Life's a Contradiction

My brain keeps telling me I did the right thing My brain keeps telling me it was never gonna work We were never gonna work My brain keeps telling me to let it go To say goodbye My brain keeps telling me it’s over But my heart, boy my heart It keeps telling me to love you It keeps questioning my actions Do I really love you? It asks me that everyday. My hearts wants you back It wants you here with me My hearts says this is where you belong But my brain keeps telling it to shut up

I know I said I won’t say it again but I can’t help it.  I love and miss you so fucking much.  Everyday I wake up and miss you.  Everyday I go to sleep I miss you.  I miss your nasty sweaty smell in the morning. I miss your dead animal morning breathe  I miss feeling you rub up on me  I miss the fact that you get horny just looking at me  I miss you I miss us  I miss sitting here watching you play the game like angry child  I miss hearing you tell me you love me.  I miss your touch.  I miss you.  I miss us.  I miss everything there is to miss.  I’m so sorry.  Laura Soriano 

Every morning I wake up and have one moment of pure bliss One very short moment of happiness A moment where everything is the way it’s supposed to be But then I remember I remember every bad thing that has happened  I remember that you’re gone  I remember the reasons we broke up I remember the stress from the night before From a few weeks Shit, from the future I remember my trauma Sometimes, I even have flashbacks I remember that where I am at today is the result of my own choices Choices I made based on the circumstance I was in The head space The pressure The potential Choices I made because I thought I knew what was best I also remember the good moments The happy-exciting-super fucking fabulous moments And I smile Then I cry Because the pain is still there. I can’t wait to wake up one morning and revel in the blissful moment I can’t wait until that short moment because a long moment Which then becomes a familiar feeling And then before I know it...

The worst part about us not all being raised the same is that We’re not all raised the same. I know it sounds stupid I know you’re thinking, duh why would we want to be alike? Our differences make us unique Helps us stand out from each other But what about the differences that make or break things? Different values Upbringings Core beliefs Different expectations of life of each other? And the things they can break Oh the things they can break Friendships Trust Relationships Promises So many things But I can only think about the things they broke for me I can only think about the fact that my whole life I was taught that hard work is the key and working is never a question And that he was taught that a job will come when it comes and we’ll eventually be okay I can only think about the fact that I was raised on love and the important of family while he He was raised around people who only worried about themselves People who would turn their backs when you needed t...

Watch your back Love creeps up behind you and suffocates You with chloroform  It sneaks in the door like a moth following the light through the crack of the door It makes you feel like a kid on summer vacation on their way to Disney land  It feels like that moment you light the candle after cleaning the house  Love feels like the first hint of the warm sun on the side of your face  It feels like finding a $100 bill in your pocket It feel like all the things that make you feel good until it doesn’t.  When it doesn’t, love feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart every.  single Day  It feels like you have a broken leg but don’t have crutches It feels like a sore throat Like someone is stabbing you,  constantly, in the neck. Watch your back Because love is great until it isn’t  Watch your back  Because when it’s bad, it’s bad. And no one is safe.  6/10/19 Laura Soriano

I remember the day after it happened  You called me to check on me To check on my vacation  And I cried about going home  But when you asked me why  I didn’t have a reason  I just cried And wanted to go home  No reason meant I was staying I cried some more Everyone thought I was just being a baby  But I felt alike and afraid  So for the next few days I was molested  Every morning when everyone was asleep Or Everytime I sat next to him on the couch  Or every time I was left alone with him  I cried.  I began to hate myself  My family  You  I never wanted to be alone again  Being alone meant that I was vulnerable  It meant I could hurt  So Everytime you left me alone, I hated you  I felt like you wanted me to get hurt Like you didn’t care, But how could you know? After a while, It didn’t only happen when I was alone  I mean, he only...

When I’m not with you, it hurts. It hurts to think about you. It hurts to say your name It hurts to be in bed every night without you It hurts when you say I don’t love you or that I never did It hurts when you feel the need to be mean because what’s the point? It all just hurts. So bad. Laura Soriano