Life's a Contradiction

Days like today. I realize I could be gone tomorrow And No one would notice Laura

I just want to know what does love mean to you? I’m not entirely sure if means the same to me.  I just want you to want me the way that I want you I want you to want me like you used to  I just want you to ask me about my day?  You know, make sure I’m okay.  I just want to know that this is real I need to know that you feel what I feel  I just want to kiss your face and hear your voice But every time I wanna see you, you act like the plans you made weren’t by choice  I just want to know what you want What the fuck do you want?  I just want to know what are we doing?  Where are we going? Is THIS going anywhere?  I just want to know why?  Why do you keep doing this to me?  Why do you tell me you love me?  Why do you tell me you want to be with me?  Why?  I just want to ask you to leave me alone  To block me on your phone.   Please, block me on your phone.  Because I can’t leave you alone.  -Laura Shedrick 8/27/19

My brain keeps telling me I did the right thing My brain keeps telling me it was never gonna work We were never gonna work My brain keeps telling me to let it go To say goodbye My brain keeps telling me it’s over But my heart, boy my heart It keeps telling me to love you It keeps questioning my actions Do I really love you? It asks me that everyday. My hearts wants you back It wants you here with me My hearts says this is where you belong But my brain keeps telling it to shut up

I know I said I won’t say it again but I can’t help it.  I love and miss you so fucking much.  Everyday I wake up and miss you.  Everyday I go to sleep I miss you.  I miss your nasty sweaty smell in the morning. I miss your dead animal morning breathe  I miss feeling you rub up on me  I miss the fact that you get horny just looking at me  I miss you I miss us  I miss sitting here watching you play the game like angry child  I miss hearing you tell me you love me.  I miss your touch.  I miss you.  I miss us.  I miss everything there is to miss.  I’m so sorry.  Laura Soriano 

Every morning I wake up and have one moment of pure bliss One very short moment of happiness A moment where everything is the way it’s supposed to be But then I remember I remember every bad thing that has happened  I remember that you’re gone  I remember the reasons we broke up I remember the stress from the night before From a few weeks Shit, from the future I remember my trauma Sometimes, I even have flashbacks I remember that where I am at today is the result of my own choices Choices I made based on the circumstance I was in The head space The pressure The potential Choices I made because I thought I knew what was best I also remember the good moments The happy-exciting-super fucking fabulous moments And I smile Then I cry Because the pain is still there. I can’t wait to wake up one morning and revel in the blissful moment I can’t wait until that short moment because a long moment Which then becomes a familiar feeling And then before I know it, The pa

The worst part about us not all being raised the same is that We’re not all raised the same. I know it sounds stupid I know you’re thinking, duh why would we want to be alike? Our differences make us unique Helps us stand out from each other But what about the differences that make or break things? Different values Upbringings Core beliefs Different expectations of life of each other? And the things they can break Oh the things they can break Friendships Trust Relationships Promises So many things But I can only think about the things they broke for me I can only think about the fact that my whole life I was taught that hard work is the key and working is never a question And that he was taught that a job will come when it comes and we’ll eventually be okay I can only think about the fact that I was raised on love and the important of family while he He was raised around people who only worried about themselves People who would turn their backs when you needed t

Watch your back Love creeps up behind you and suffocates You with chloroform  It sneaks in the door like a moth following the light through the crack of the door It makes you feel like a kid on summer vacation on their way to Disney land  It feels like that moment you light the candle after cleaning the house  Love feels like the first hint of the warm sun on the side of your face  It feels like finding a $100 bill in your pocket It feel like all the things that make you feel good until it doesn’t.  When it doesn’t, love feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart every.  single Day  It feels like you have a broken leg but don’t have crutches It feels like a sore throat Like someone is stabbing you,  constantly, in the neck. Watch your back Because love is great until it isn’t  Watch your back  Because when it’s bad, it’s bad. And no one is safe.  6/10/19 Laura Soriano

I remember the day after it happened  You called me to check on me To check on my vacation  And I cried about going home  But when you asked me why  I didn’t have a reason  I just cried And wanted to go home  No reason meant I was staying I cried some more Everyone thought I was just being a baby  But I felt alike and afraid  So for the next few days I was molested  Every morning when everyone was asleep Or Everytime I sat next to him on the couch  Or every time I was left alone with him  I cried.  I began to hate myself  My family  You  I never wanted to be alone again  Being alone meant that I was vulnerable  It meant I could hurt  So Everytime you left me alone, I hated you  I felt like you wanted me to get hurt Like you didn’t care, But how could you know? After a while, It didn’t only happen when I was alone  I mean, he only had so many chances to touch me That’s when I learned that even around people, I wasn’t safe

When I’m not with you, it hurts. It hurts to think about you. It hurts to say your name It hurts to be in bed every night without you It hurts when you say I don’t love you or that I never did It hurts when you feel the need to be mean because what’s the point? It all just hurts. So bad. Laura Soriano

As I lay here, suicidal,  All I can think about is you. Do you remember when you used to try to count my pills to make sure I didn’t overdose? Or even try to? Or when I’d cry and you’d just rub my back and lay with me  Or the thousands of questions?  I hated the questions. I hated when you couldn’t just let me cry.  Or let me feel what I’m feeling.  I didn’t greatly want to die, I just wanted it to be over.  All of it.  But, none of it.  I wanted to be able to breathe again and not feel the weight on my chest.  I wanted to be able to love again without feeling like my love wasn’t enough  I wanted to go out and do things without feeling like everything around me is too much.  I wanted so much but I had so little to give  But did I?  Laura Soriano

If you look at her you'd never know the pain  You'd never know that at 8 years old she woke up to her uncles hands fondling her body Or that at 5 she witnessed her fathers adulterous acts with her aunt You wouldn't know that at 13 the molestation turned into full blown sexual assault  Or at 12 she was forced to lose her virginity You wouldn't know that at 10 her mother told her she would never love her because she was her fathers child Or at 9 she was forced to become a second parent to her younger siblings  And that ever since then she never really understood what it felt like to be a kid You wouldn't know that at 15 she dealt with losing a child alone because who else could she tell? You wouldn't know what it feels like to spend your whole life pushing people away  To keep yourself from getting emotionally attached  And then finally when you're ready to love you don't know how to How do you love someone if you've never seen

Fall in love they said  It’ll be great they said   But no one ever tells you about the things that aren’t great No one ever tells you that some days you’ll want to punch your significant other in the throat or even in the face.  Some days you’ll want to poke them in the eyes in their sleep.  Or some days you’ll ask yourself why did you choose them?  It’s usually after they do some stupid shit like drop pizza on your white sheets. No one ever tells you that it’s okay to fight, A fight doesn’t mean it’s over.  Sometimes it’s a good thing. No one ever tells you that some days you won’t want to talk to each other, It’s okay, sometimes you need space. No ever tells you to fully commit, put your fears aside and just love  They always say be careful, you can’t trust anyone you know. So you keep your guard up.  No one ever tells you that it’s okay to not be all over social media.  It doesn’t mean he isn’t claiming you, it doesn’t really mean anything.  No one

Sometimes I sit here and wonder What if I didn’t focus on success What if I slowed down my grind to live life What if Mrs. Pires ain’t fill out my college application  And didn’t believe in me What if Mr. Lipp was right  And I ain’t graduate from High School What if I didn’t get into Voc Would we have left like Moms said What if we did move  What if we left Here What if my brother never moved back What if I said yes to all those proposals  What if I had chucks baby What if I let bobby love me What if I didn’t push him away What if I ain’t found out Corey was psycho And he loved pop ups What if I Michael never died What if I let him love me again  What if he ain’t never showed me real love  What if I kissed him that day What if he never got kicked out of his foster home What if he never left  What if I never played him  (Unfinished) 4/10/18 Laura Before

Being with you is almost like being in a room full of people but having no one to speak to The problem is, the moment I get up to leave the room, someone says hello, sit down, don't go.  It's that feeling you get when you're excited to watch a movie but you find out that the visual is unavailable, it's all audio.  It's that moment in a movie where two people are about to kiss then someone walks in and they've lost their perfect chance.  Being with you is like going to the beach but not being able to go in the water.  It's like the idea that I own a corvette but I can never drive it nor will I ever see it.  Being with you means calling someone and never getting a phone call back. It means loving someone and hoping they feel the same.  Being with you means learning to be alone.  Learning to find solace in emptiness. Being with you is learning to be without you.  9/4/17 Laura Shedrick 

I used to think once I found happiness I would feel something That some magical feeling would overcome me But that's not what it is at all Its not necessarily smiling all the time  Or being surrounded by tons of people For me I found happiness when I found peace and love In the little girl who was innocently born into a complex family One where the first memories she'll have of her father are in prison And the first of her mother are tears full of joy, anxious, and scared feelings This girls smile is my love In the man who I fell for  The man who it was never supposed to happen with but it did The man from the hood who just liked me wanted to prove the hood didn't define him In him I found happiness and his happiness became mine In the people I met  The ones who were so resilient they proved us all wrong The ones who face hardships everyday but still push The ones who are supposed to be dead but are alive I found hope  And with ho

If I had a time machine id go back in time  Not way back in time  But to the times when I woke up to your angry morning face every morning  Or the times where I'd find you staring at me, I'd ask what and you would tell me how beautiful I was.  Even when we fought, you never failed to forget to remind me of my beauty  I would go back to the time when you sang bob marleys "is this love" to me in a room full of people You asked me to dance, I said no But if I could go back We wouldn't have gotten off the dance floor  I would want to go back to the first day you ever told me you loved me. I brushed it off because I didn't want you to think I was making a big deal about it, But inside I was doing my James Brown dance.  I would go back to the times where I spent my spare time watching Netflix and getting high with you everydayu I would go back to the times when you would hold me close to you every night  And the times when you would rub

Love is not blind. Love is not rainbows and sunshine’s. Love is not easy. It’s not simple. Love is, your morning breath smells like dead animals but I love you anyway.  (Now come here and give me a kiss you little possum) Love is, I only have $5 to spend so let’s share a 4 for 4 (I’ll take the nuggets, you get the sandwich) Love is, waking up early to make your lunch for work even though I’m tired as hell and don’t even make my own lunch (I’ll probably come home at 7pm starving) Love is, making me food when we just had a full out brawl (Your fatass hungry or what?) Love is going to bed with each other after a long day of fighting and saying I love you, goodnight. (Laying in bed with you was my favorite part of the day) Love is, staying home with you even though I want to go out  (I know you be obsessed with me) Love is, watching you sleep and thinking about suffocating you. (But not Everytime)  Love is, feeling insecure and you remindi

You were gone for roughly 830 days.  But you were here  for 67 67 seems like such a small number but research says that it only takes 21 days to form a habit.  It only took 21 days for me to expect to see you everyday To expect that any left over food is immediately yours the moment I walk in the door To expect you to ask me if something was stuck in my teeth every time I sucked them.  To expect my stuff to be touched because my hat collection is better than yours It took 21 days for me to learn that around 11 or midnight  you’d be walking in that door ready to ask me about my day  It took me 7 to realize that your presence  Was a factor in stabilizing my mental health  That day, It took you one second to think about me before you thought about yourself And It only took me two to break.  After you left It took me 12 hours to realize that you weren’t coming home.  The same amount of time that it took me to miss you It took me 1 day to stop crying